Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

this is the greatest thing ever

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that