Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

real

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

😂😂

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car