Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.