INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Chicago sounds lovely.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part