INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
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I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Can’t. Being lazy.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good