Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Mission: Impossible

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.