interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]

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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.


Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.


Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind


Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.


I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.


WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.


If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.


*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost


My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her

She’s my Taco Belle


Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie πŸ™‚
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute


i just bought a used car and the owners left their β€œbaby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote β€œformer” on it