I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
interviewer: what is ur weakness?
me: follow up questions
interview: care to elaborate?
me: [quivers with fear]
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Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her
She’s my Taco Belle
Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie 🙂
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it