I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
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ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’m confused about plants
Chicago sounds lovely.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.