Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
they see me scrollin
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny