Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

Genius idea!!

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.