Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge