Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

dictator is short for richard potato

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny