Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
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It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?