Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

🙏🏾

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.