Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Software Development ⛵️

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

🛁

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?