Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

A room full of people:   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

When ur friends with white people

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?