INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
This is the coolest video you will see today.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.