“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to