Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now