Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

March 16

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

these can’t be my only options

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.