Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.