Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat