Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

We avoided this particular disaster

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.