Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
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I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Monday Lisa
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does