Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.