Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“What movie?” 🤔
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
wait.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.