Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.