I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner