She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
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me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.