Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
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The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!