Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
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Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Winnipeg!!
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
i like to flex on them by shrugging
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails