Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

💻🤡

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.