Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My good tweets are in my other pants.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Home #decor warning.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.