Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.