Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
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“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986