Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

who named him groot and not spruce lee

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.