Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?