interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
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Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”