Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
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Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
The best shot in the history of golf
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Quadruple digit IQ
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
“What?”
– Jude
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb