Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Wednesday

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up