Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]