INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
🚲+physics = winner
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Ovenable?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what