Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Shoo shoo! 😂

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.