Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Guantanamo Bae

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh