Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.