Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
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I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.