Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool