Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

so this horse walks into a bar

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?