Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Me, in DM rooms…
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?