you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
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😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
So glad we cleared that up
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Dolls on drugs
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Genius idea!!
This is my pinned tweet
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon