Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?