Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”