interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.


You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.


[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]

“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”

ME: uh oh


My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”


Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?


My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.


Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?



BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.


Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?


I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard when I’ve successfully completed 2 of them…