interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
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you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.