interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
You Might Also Like
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
“Wait, let me explain..”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words