Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t deal with men any longer

per my last wtf

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.