Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Help Wanted
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes