Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

Good advice.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

☺️

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower