INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
You Might Also Like
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
every man in east london
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter