INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
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“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
