Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.