Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

This cat wants you to take your pills

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠