Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

necessity is the mother of invention

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

Comparing yourself to others

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.