Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.