Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”