Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word find for ghosts:

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o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
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My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT