Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

selena gomez

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.