interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?