Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’